A Therapy Companion
A Therapy Companion
Welcome to "A Therapy Companion"; a series of articles designed to help my clients integrate the concepts and ideas discussed in therapy.
I practice Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). REBT is the original cognitive-behavioral therapy developed in the 1950s by a psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis. It is a practical, active approach that focuses on helping people understand how their thinking influences the way they feel and behave, particularly when dealing with adversity and setbacks.
Below are some of the core principles that guide my approach.
A central principle of REBT is that our emotions and behaviors are strongly influenced by how we interpret and evaluate what happens to us.
For example, imagine two people who are both informed that their employment is being terminated. One person may react with anger, while the other responds with anxiety. The difference is not just the event itself, but the meaning each person assigns to it. Anger is often associated with interpretations involving frustration, unfairness, or injustice. Anxiety is more commonly linked to fear and uncertainty about the future.
This does not mean that events don't matter. Life is full of intrinsically painful and difficult situations. REBT simply emphasizes that the meaning we assign to these situations and the attitudes we hold towards them play a major role in shaping how we respond them emotionally and behaviorally.
We tend to evaluate ourselves conditionally. That means we rate our entire selves based on whether or not a particular condition is met: “I am good because I…” or “I am bad because I…” In REBT, we refer to these kinds of judgments as global evaluations of the self.
This is like saying that a pizza with fifty toppings is entirely good or bad simply because we dislike one particular topping.
REBT proposes an alternative to conditional self-evaluation: unconditional acceptance—of oneself, of others, and of life itself. At its core, this means recognizing that the entirety of a human being cannot be meaningfully evaluated. Human beings are far too complex to be reduced to a single rating or label. Some behaviors may be desirable and others undesirable, but no single action, trait, or outcome defines the total value of a person.
Instead, REBT holds that human beings have intrinsic worth—simply because they are human. This does not mean that everything people do is acceptable, helpful, or healthy. It means that while behaviors can and should be evaluated, corrected, and changed, the person as a whole is not on trial. Human beings are fallible and imperfect, yet still worthwhile.
When we engage in global self-evaluation, emotional suffering tends to increase. Anxiety, depression, shame, and anger are often fueled by the belief that a specific failure, mistake, or shortcoming defines who we are as a whole. The same process applies when we globally evaluate others, often leading to resentment, hostility, or despair in relationships.
A helpful way to think about this is by analogy. Concluding that a person is bad or worthless because of mistakes or shortcomings is like concluding that a car is bad because it has worn tires. The tires may need attention or replacement, but they do not define the entire car. Evaluating parts makes sense; condemning the whole does not.
Acceptance in REBT does not mean approval, passivity, or giving up on change. It does not mean lowering standards or ignoring consequences. Rather, it means acknowledging reality as it is—without global self-condemnation or other-condemnation—so that change becomes more possible rather than less.
Unconditional acceptance allows people to take responsibility for their behavior without attacking their worth. From an REBT perspective, this foundation is not merely philosophical or comforting; it is practical. When people stop condemning themselves as a whole, they are better able to learn, adapt, and grow.
REBT also makes an important distinction between healthy and unhealthy negative emotions. Healthy negative emotions—such as concern, sadness, or appropriate anger—are uncomfortable but proportional to the situation and tend to be helpful. Unhealthy negative emotions—such as overwhelming anxiety, depression, or rage—are often more intense, longer-lasting, and interfere with effective action.
For example, feeling concerned when crossing a very busy street is healthy and functional. That concern helps you slow down, pay attention, and cross carefully. In contrast, becoming overwhelmed with anxiety in the same situation is unlikely to help you get to the other side. Excessive anxiety can impair clear thinking and may even prevent you from crossing at all.
The difference lies not in the situation itself, but in the beliefs and interpretations that accompany it.
REBT places special emphasis on certain core beliefs we hold about ourselves, other people, and life in general. These beliefs often take the form of rigid, absolute rules—ideas about how things must or should be.
According to REBT, when people hold extreme and inflexible beliefs, they are more likely to experience intense and disruptive emotional reactions. For instance, someone who believes they were treated unfairly at work but also accepts that unfairness is an unfortunate part of life may feel some anger, but it is likely to be manageable. In contrast, someone who views unfairness as completely intolerable is likely to experience much more intense and persistent anger.
REBT holds that emotional and behavioral change can occur by identifying unhelpful beliefs and replacing them with more rational, flexible, and constructive alternatives.
For example, an extreme belief such as “I must not fail, and if I do, I am a complete failure” can be replaced with “I don’t want to fail, but failure is part of life. If it happens, I can cope and move forward.” This shift tends to produce healthier emotions and more effective behavior, both when facing the possibility of failure and when dealing with failure itself.
Another key principle of REBT is that change is not quick or effortless. Our beliefs are often deeply ingrained and well practiced. If someone believes they must never fail, that belief may have been learned early in life and reinforced repeatedly over many years.
Lasting change requires ongoing effort, repetition, and practice. Insight alone is rarely sufficient; consistent application is essential.
A central goal of REBT is to help people develop the skills needed to manage difficulties more independently. With sufficient understanding and practice, many individuals become increasingly capable of coping with setbacks using REBT principles, reducing their reliance on therapy over time.
REBT is a practical, skills-based approach that focuses on how we think about ourselves, others, and life’s challenges. With consistent practice, it can help you respond to adversity with greater flexibility, resilience, and emotional balance—allowing you to manage life’s setbacks more effectively and constructively.
My therapy sessions loosely follow the ABCDE model created by Dr. Albert Ellis. It is a framework for identifying the dysfunctional thoughts and beliefs that contribute to emotional and behavioral distress, and for developing more functional alternatives.
An adverse event is something that is disturbing you. It may involve the past, the present, or the future, and it can be external (something that happened) or internal (such as a thought or image that popped into your mind).
The goal in this section is to select an event and describe it as clearly and objectively as possible—much like a camera might record it.
Example:
“I was sitting at the office when my boss told me my employment was terminated.”
This section focuses on the way we think about the activating event. This includes what we believe caused it, our opinions about it, and the meaning we ascribed to it. We also examine how we evaluated the event and what it says to us about ourselves, others, or the situation.
Common examples of beliefs associated with termination of employment often include:
“Everyone thinks I’m inept.”
“This is horrible and unbearable.”
“This should not have happened to me.”
“I’ll never recover from this.”
These thoughts often feel automatic and unquestionable, yet they play a major role in how we feel and act.
In this section, we clearly identify the emotional and behavioral consequences associated with the event.
Example:
“I felt incredibly angry and hurt, and I became so depressed that I stayed in my room for two days.”
In this section, we examine and challenge the beliefs identified in B. We ask whether these beliefs make sense and whether they are helpful.
Questions we may explore include:
Do these beliefs get me where I want to go?
Do they give me any wiggle room?
Would I advise my best friend or a child to hold these ideas?
Are they factually accurate and logically sound?
As we explore core beliefs and attitudes, it often becomes clear that certain ideas and convictions are unhelpful and largely responsible for emotional and behavioral difficulties. These beliefs may lead to outcomes such as aggression instead of assertiveness, or avoidance instead of accepting a challenge.
In this section, we work to develop more realistic and flexible alternatives—ideas that make better sense and, if internalized, are more likely to produce healthier emotions and more effective behavior.
For example:
Instead of thinking,
“I must do well in everything I do. If I don’t, I’m a complete idiot,”
we might arrive at a more functional alternative, such as:
“I would prefer to do well, but I don’t have to. If I don’t, it simply means I’m human.”
The ABCDE model represents a change in the way we think about our experiences. Its purpose is to help us become aware of beliefs and attitudes that lead to dysfunctional emotional and behavioral responses and replace them with healthier alternatives. In this sense, the ABCDE model is an acquired thinking skill.
Like most acquired skills, the early stages can feel clumsy or frustrating. This is normal. With practice, the process becomes increasingly familiar and more automatic—much like learning to do mental math.
There are many ways to learn a new skill. In REBT, worksheets are commonly used because they help break complex mental processes into manageable steps. If you are interested in adopting the ABCDE model, consider focusing on three basic elements:
A modest and realistic starting point is about 15 minutes per day. Consistency matters more than intensity.
Worksheets provide a practical way to learn the process. A reasonable goal is to complete one ABCDE worksheet during your daily practice time. To support this, two Google Docs are available. One contains a simple ABCDE worksheet outlining the basic steps of the model. The second includes the same worksheet with additional guidance and suggestions to use when you feel stuck. You are encouraged to make copies of these documents for your own use.
Learning is most effective when it includes feedback. If possible, review one or two completed worksheets with someone trained in REBT. If you are currently in therapy, you can bring them to a session for discussion.
When approaching this process, it helps to keep the time frame in perspective. The relevant question is not how proficient you become after a few days, but how much more skilled you may be after practicing consistently for several months. You may not become an expert, but you will almost certainly think more clearly and respond more flexibly than when you began.
How to Use the ABCDE Worksheet