Emotional Responsibility

One of the most empowering ideas in cognitive behavioral psychology is the concept of emotional responsibility — the understanding that while we are not responsible for the actions of others or for many unfortunate life events, we are responsible for the meaning we attach to them and the ways in which we interpret them.

This is why two people can face the same situation and feel very differently. One person might feel deeply hurt or angry, while another might feel disappointed but calm. The difference is that each person thinks about the event in a different way.

We take responsibility for our emotions when we recognize that while we cannot always control what happens to us, we are the only ones who ultimately decide how we interpret and respond to those events. This is the difference between saying, “I got angry because someone cut me off,” and “I got angry because someone cut me off and I can’t stand it when that happens.”

This shift changes the question from “Why did this happen to me?” to “What am I telling myself about this — and is that belief helping or hurting me?”

Revisiting the Past

This idea is especially important when we’re dealing with past events. People often bring up painful memories and process them repeatedly, hoping that by doing so they will eventually accept them and move on. The problem with this approach is that past events cannot be changed.

What can be changed is the meaning we give those events and the decisions we made about ourselves or others at the time. These decisions are often made under intense emotional distress. If they occurred in childhood or early adolescence, our capacity to reason and make sense of events was still immature. Those early interpretations may have been the best we could manage at the time — and they may have made sense then — but they are often rigid, extreme, and self-limiting. As time passes, they can prevent growth and contribute to ongoing pain and suffering.

By applying the principle of emotional responsibility, we can revisit those difficult experiences, reexamine the conclusions we drew, and decide whether those conclusions are helping us function and live meaningfully — or whether they are obstacles that keep us stuck.

For example, consider someone who believes, “I’m depressed because I was exploited.”
That statement rules out the meaning they gave to the experience — it assumes that the external event alone caused their distress. But if we expand the idea to “I’m depressed because I was exploited and I concluded that this was an unbearable event that should never have happened and that I’ll never recover from it,” we now include the belief component.

Recognizing that third element — the interpretation — gives us the power to examine and revise it. We might choose to replace it with a more balanced thought such as, “This was one of the hardest experiences I’ve ever gone through, but painful things happen. It was bad, but I survived.”

That change in belief opens the door to emotional healing and growth.

Taking Ownership

How much you can heal from a painful emotional injury is unpredictable. However, engaging your unique human ability to interpret your experience — both present and past — is certainly a step in the right direction.

As Albert Ellis put it, “The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”

Taking responsibility for your emotional and behavioral responses to adverse events is not a magic pill. However, unless you include yourself as part of the problem, it will be extremely difficult to see yourself as part of the solution.

Tip:
As you reflect on this concept, try noticing moments when you say, “They made me feel…” and see if you can restate it as, “I made myself feel… because I told myself…” This simple shift can help you recognize where your real power lies — in your own interpretations and beliefs.